Monday, October 12, 2009

For your consideration: A Prologue.

Good afternoon, editors-at-large. Today's post is 500 words (sorry, I've made my blog's title a complete lie right off the bat, I'm afraid.)

The following is a draft prologue to a young-adult (tweens to teens) storyline. I hope you'll enjoy it. For the moment I won't divulge anything more about the plot or characters to come, because I'm interested in seeing whether I'm pointing you in the intended direction. What do you imagine will happen next? :-)

One last necessary legal note: The following, like everything on this blog unless otherwise noted, is an original piece that I've written. It's my intellectual property, and of course it's all © 2009 JCAUNCMom. All Rights Reserved.

Prologue

     The owner stood, still as a mannequin, in the little shop’s bay window, his slight, rumpled figure barely visible amidst the jumble of dark, overstuffed furniture (“VINTAGE VICTORIAN!!” trumpeted a placard propped in an embroidered chair). Behind thick, black-rimmed glasses his eyes loomed ant-like, huge, startlingly blue and out of all proportion to his small, creased face. His gaze was fixed, alert and unblinking, on the rain-swept street outside. Nothing was moving. A cold, steady morning drizzle had become an afternoon downpour, and the town’s residents had wisely retreated indoors. At five o’clock night was falling fast, the gloom not yet broken by the streetlamps standing ready to blink into cheerful yellow life at any moment. Water hissed and gurgled along the sloped shoulders of the darkened asphalt into the old iron gutters marking every block. There was no other sound.

     After a while the owner’s chin hiccupped up and down, just once, ever so slightly, and underneath his bushy silver moustache the corners of his mouth twitched upward. Then he turned and made his way carefully out of the window and across the shop, weaving expertly among crowded rows of orphaned household goods. Fat, faded sofas, twinsets of once-elegant armchairs, musty rolled-up rugs, elaborately carved beds and tables from tiny to enormous all stood silent and a little forlorn, waiting for a chance to be useful again. Every surface was crammed impossibly full with objects perched precariously and in no apparent order. Porcelain figurines stood in twos and threes underneath the shades of crystal lamps, as if pausing to chat, while silver candlesticks and brass lanterns fought for space alongside stacks of brightly painted watering cans, blackened frying pans and battered iron soup pots. And everywhere, books filled any nook or cranny like mortar. The owner glided past everything, touching nothing.

     In the center of the shop stood a battered wooden desk, and he ducked behind it, reaching to flip a concealed switch. At once, the shop’s mismatched old ceiling lights flickered on and an ornate red neon window sign began to glow invitingly to passersby.


Forgotten Treasures
OPEN
Browsers Welcome!


     Once more the owner stood very still, allowing his eyes to adjust to the light. At his feet, a small white dog stirred and slowly stood up, waving his plumed tail and woofing softly. The owner glanced down, crouched onto his heels with a tiny grunt, and ruffled the dog’s cottony head. Then the owner pushed himself upright, leaned onto the desk on both forearms and with a little sigh stared toward the doorway. The dog watched intently, and, seeing his master settled, padded around the desk and curled into a snowy ball on the floor. His chin rested cozily on his paws, but his satiny black eyes stayed open, blinking very slowly, and his steady gaze followed his master’s. Together the two waited, and if anyone had been watching carefully, they’d have seen that both master and dog were smiling.

10 comments:

  1. I've got to hand it to you for starting this blog -- writing isn't easy. I've been a reporter at a daily newspaper for 16 years and often wonder why I got into the business!
    Try not to cram so much into each sentence. You are doing this thing I call over writing -- I made the term up, so I'll explain. You're putting a lot into each sentence, particularly a lot of description. I'd lighten that up. Or is there some reason for the density? When you write, do things for a reason. And you are a little heavy handed with some of the description. The dog is white, cottony and snowy, for example. OK, I get it. The dog is white. The use of those three adjectives in a short piece make me think believe the dog's coat or color is going to be important later. Is it? Or are you just enjoying the use of adjectives? I'd vary the length of your sentences too, if I was editing this.
    But I do want to know where the story is going, and that seems to be the affect you were after. And remember that writing is rewriting. I've rewritten this post three times and it's still not as clear as I'd like! Good luck with your project. Stewart Warren

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  2. Thanks so much, Stewart! This is exactly the kind of feedback I'm hoping to get, and I appreciate the honesty and specific suggestions. The adjective-dense style was a deliberate choice for this piece -- I wrote it in response to a "writing exercise" prompt I picked up from a publishers' blog. You're correct that the intended effect is curiosity and page-turning. :-) I'll keep working on this and look forward to your future critiques!

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  3. P.S. Stewart -- You said "he dog is white, cottony and snowy, for example. OK, I get it. The dog is white." Funny guy. Amusing and witty, too. ;-)

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  4. I'm mad, I tell ya. :) That's it? Where are the other pages? I want more!!! I want to know more about this old man and his dog. I can see it so vividly. Thank you for sharing.

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  5. Love this! I just can't wait to read more. You have a gift for writing, especially in painting a picture with words. Your use of imagery is wonderful. I agree slightly with Rip-a-roo in that you have a lot of adjectives strung together, but if you have a purpose, then go forth!

    Another suggestion from an English teacher's standpoint: you may want to vary your sentence structure. Many of your sentences start and end the same way, making it sound choppy and redundant. For example, here are some beginning parts of sentences I pulled from the same paragraph that have the same structure:
    The owner stood...
    A small white dog stirred...
    The owner glanced...
    Then the owner pushed himself upright...
    The dog watched...

    These are 5 sentences in a row that have noun + verb structure. Varying that structure would help to liven it up a bit. Take that with a grain of salt. As I mentioned on your other blog, I am not a writer myself (But I do grade hundreds of student essays a week, haha!)

    So excited and impressed that you've started this blog. I would not have the guts to share my writing with anyone (I don't even like for my husband to read my writing!) but this is good stuff.

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  6. Hey everybody! Thanks so much for visiting and chiming in. I really do appreciate the encouragement. It's been a long time since I flexed the mental writer muscles, so this is fun, scary, exhilarating, frustrating -- you get my drift. There I go with those adjectives again. :-)

    AppGal, thank you for the compliments! I love it that you pointed out some specific examples for me on redundant sentence structure. As I told Rip-a-roo, the adjective-dense style was deliberate, but when I look back at this exercise now I see that I got more than a bit lazy with varying sentence structure -- too focused on descriptive adjectives!

    Heidi, thank you too, honey. :-) You're very funny. I'd like to know where this goes, too, and I'm working on it and letting it flow. I kinda like the old man and the dog and I hope they'll tell me a great story.

    More coming soon, y'all. Stay tuned and thank you SO much!

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  7. Look out, literary world -- here comes a real writer! Why do I say that? You are open to suggestions and constructive criticism, and your piece had a lot going for it. I'd wish you luck, but you don't need any. You have that and everything else already, including an awesome haircut!

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  8. And, not that you need my suggestions, but if you have some new ideas for this piece, please do an edit. Then post it. I'm really curious to see how you might change it, if it all. Maybe it's perfect the way that it is!

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  9. . You're putting a lot into each sentence, particularly a lot of description

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